Saturday, February 01, 2014

When trust isn't there...yet

Hey there,

So...I have a friend who's pursuing a serious relationship, the first serious relationship in years. And while he and the other are just at the 'dating' phase, they're pretty in deep emotionally. But they're having a trust issue, which just surfaced. And quite bluntly said, "I can't trust trust you right now. And we can't say we're never going to hurt each other. I'm not that naive".

Time out: "trust" according to Wikipedia (if you click the hyperlinked word above) means: "reliance on another person or entity". Also, trust is an issue that affects everyone everywhere, regarding relationships on every level, like this blog piece in the Washington Post Why don't Americans trust the government. But I digress; back to our regularly schedule blog post.

So the other guy doesn't trust my friend honestly can NOT take personally. Because it's not a judgement of character, it's not one saying the other is untrustworthy. At least one would hope the other guy would come out and say that. And to his credit, the other guy said that he wasn't sure whether the perceived lack of trust was necessarily from any thing my friend did, or whether it was actually the other guy not trusting himself.

It's hard because it's not a matter of one doesn't trust the other yet, but for any number of reasons, because of any number of previous experiences, one simply can't trust the other yet. While it's also been a while since the other guy's pursued a serious relationship, there's only so much baggage you can unpack and deal with on your own. Often times, it takes a second party to make you realize that there were some issues still left in the overhead compartment.

But what my friend reminded the other guy was that one of the reasons that made dating...appealing was the promise of working "it" out together. Which isn't to say it was a matter of desiring a codependent situation. Part of the challenge is figuring out what "it" is, working things out together that are their own personal challenges to overcome and defining something new together.

My friend said he was tired of figuring out his own shit on his own. Not that he needed perspective, but it was more to say he'd had sufficient alone time to not second guess his reasons for wanting to be in a relationship. He's never been afraid of being alone. And I don't blame him. I've seen enough "couples" who seem to settle for a relationship with someone because it's comfortable, but not necessarily because it's happy or loving. So while one doesn't trust the other...he doesn't trust my friend yet.

Just one more thing which, like others, will come with time.

Any thoughts, please share 'em with a comment.

JR aka Nexus

P.S. And no, this will definitely NOT be the last post about trust.

P.P.S. Any favorite songs about trust or the lack of?

P.P.P.S. And while I ask that last question, let me answer it with one of my own: Janet Jackson's "Let's Wait A While", which I'm listening to with completely new ears because of my friend's experience growing with someone I already know means a lot to him. Some people think this is about a couple's first time having sexual congress. And while meanings aren't exclusionary to each other (that's the great thing about great art, right?!) I would say the song could easily be addressing another thing that sometimes couples move to fast on...expectations, trust, the boundaries of their relationship with each other. And sometimes it's too easy caught up in feelings of love, that it can be quite easy to stop and check in, make sure you're both still on the same route to the same destination.

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